Southeast Portland is composed entirely of sleepy neighborhoods and funky restaurants. Located approximately five million miles from Downtown, it is reachable only by fixed-gear bicycles and public transit. Since the fixie is a demonic contraption created solely for the purpose of being better than you, any
lazy sane person is left at the mercy of public transit.
The only problem with placing your destiny in the hands of the TriMet gods is their cruel sense of humor when it comes to us mere mortals. For example, those who do not want to look at Christmas lights, but just want to go home after baking the perfect ginger snaps at their friend’s house, are punished to the fullest extent of the bus schedule.
Huddled on a snowbank in the Belmont District, forced to contemplate the meaning of life in the midst of so much desolation, I waited for TriMet to show some mercy and send me a bus. As the hours crept on, however, I began to think it would be faster to fashion a pair of snowshoes from the bones of my fellow waiters (who had by now perished from sheer boredom) and hike into Downtown. But since I had painted my nails a lovely shade of green just the day before and worried about the effect of that much carnage on this excellent paint job, I chose to strike out in search of another bus stop instead.
Of course, the evil TriMet gods anticipated my cunning and the alternate bus was alsodelayed. Seeing no further recourse, I was forced to resort to the unthinkable. Ashamed of my actions, I pulled my cell phone from a hidden pocket in my cloak.
Dialing the numbers slowly with my three remaining fingers that had not succumbed to frostbite, I pressed the phone to my ear and waited. Before I could properly brace myself, a scratchy voice appeared on the other line.
“What do you want,” it demanded more harshly than the cold.
“Please, ma’am. I just need a cab please…”
“Hmph. We know where you are.” *click*
With trembling fingers I returned my phone to its pocket. The waiting, which had previously been bearable, became tortuous. Every passing car sent shivers through my freezing body as I silently prayed for a bus to come and save me from the cab I had called.
But there was mercy in the heavens that night! TriMet, taking pity on my human fragility, bestowed me with a bus. Scrambling aboard the still moving vehicle, I was able to escape my cab which was just then careening around the corner.
Though I escaped the immediacy of my mortal doom on that fateful night, I am now forced to live outside the law. Thus far, I have defeated the minions sent by the evil cab company to destroy me, but my luck can’t hold out for long. Until their bloodlust is satisfied, I am forced to walk.